March 18th

 Today was an interesting, yet rather chaotic day.

Today was the day of my Seijinshiki photoshoot in a furisode.

It seems like it's a very very special day for many people in this country.

I didn't really have a special care for it though.

I thought it was going to be something like putting on a yukata.

Just over my inner layer clothings.

But no apparently and my mum didn't tell me that until three minutes before our departure.

I panicked.

My mum was like no one else will be there while you're changing. 

Except for the changing assistants.

I WAS LIKE ********* THOSE ARE PEOPLE.

I was like f*ck it I'm keeping my tank top on and they can't stop me.

So I walk into the studio and there's a make-up artist and a hairstylist waiting for me.

In my head, I'm like alright, you know, not a big deal.

I sit down and they start to look and inspect my hair and face really carefully and closely.

Planning their course of action.

They asked me questions like, is there anything, in particular, you would like us to do?

I was like no not really, I'll leave it up to you.

They seemed surprised by that response.

I can see their slightly judgmental faces.

The hairstylist asked me, 

"You didn't think of growing out your hair or something for this special day?"

I suddenly felt really bad and I said no, I'm sorry.

Next, the makeup artist asked me what kind of style of makeup I want.

I told her as natural as possible please.

Because I know from past experiences that make up on me looks like, a kid played with some mud and decided to smear it all over their face and then it dried up.

But, the girl who did my makeup in the past was my friend back in high school.

I thought, maybe since it's a professional makeup artist, it will come out better.

But oh was I wrong.

It looked the same as back then but even scarier with the mascara.

A big mirror was in front of me. 

It was so hard to look straight.

I didn't want to make eye contact with myself or the people behind me.

Then suddenly, I didn't want to but, my eyes started tearing up.

I did my best not to let them drip since it would ruin the hard work of the makeup artist.

And no one wants to see a big adult girl crying in public.

Especially in front of my parents.

It was finally over and next was the dressing room.

I'm glad that they didn't say anything about the tank top.

Again, another big mirror was in front of me.

They put on this pretty furisode kimono on me, with beautiful color coordinations.

But I looked in the mirror to see how this pretty kimono suits me.

I wish I didn't.

My eyes started tearing up again.

I asked for a tissue just in case.

I told them that the seasonal kafun allergies were just getting to me.

Finally, I was done.

The dressing assistants encouraged me to step outside to take pictures with my parents.

I didn't want to.

I was on the verge of crying already.

So I politely declined and told them I wanted to stay in this small, white, square room.

But they kept pressuring me and I gave in. 

I did my best. I really did. 

But...

they started dripping down my face.

I asked for tissues and told my mum that my styled bangs and mascara-ed lashes are getting into my eyes.

I think I was able to fool them.

I hope.

At one point, it started getting worse and worse and I almost broke.

I really wanted to give up and tell my mum that I can't do this anymore.

But I didn't.

I kept it all in.

I did my best.

I kept tapping on my eyes with the corner of the tissue until I could gain back my composure.

I did it.

I lasted through the photoshoot.

But after that came the photo selection process out of the hundreds of photos they took of me from all angles.

I couldn't.

I couldn't make it.

They forced me to look at it and wanted me to choose which one is best.

I tried.

I tried.

They watched and waited in silence while I stared at the big apple computer screen.

 They waited for my response. 

I... couldn't do it.

My eyes kept wandering not knowing where to place it.

I did the trick where you make your vision blurry.

I did everything.

But, I just couldn't bear it.

I told my mum I was really sleepy and I left. 

I walked home by myself, really confused.

I didn't know how bad I was.

I never cry in front of them.

Never.

Why did I do that.

That night, we had a bad argument at the dinner table.

Sophie was telling dad that he should stop wasting money on luxurious food that he buys almost every day.

This was because dad told her that he doesn't have enough money to pay for her 4-year education in Switzerland.

But dad suddenly said that he does have the money to.

That made her really confused.

My dad continued to say that he has been financially supporting the family all these years and that he doesn't deserve the criticism he gets.

Which it's true.

He has financially supported us a great deal.

He says that he has the money for all of our education so we don't need to worry.

But Sophie was still confused that dad would tell her we don't have enough money but then when we bring it up, he says he does have the money.

I wanted my dad to understand that maybe that's why Sophie is confused and upset.

I decided to share my story of a similar incident that happened to me.

I told him about how dad made me take on a lot of student loans so he only needs to pay like one-fourth of the price.

In the beginning, he said that he will help me pay them off after I graduate.

But the next day, he told me that I will pay them all off by myself after I get a full-time job with the degree.

But hearing many stories about college debt after graduation, I got very scared.

But my dad said that my debt is my responsibility now.

At first, I was confused because dad said he will help me.

But then he said it's my responsibility to pay them off after.

But I knew that at the end of the day, he has financially kept the family going so it's my duty to take care of myself now.

But I wanted him to know that this contradictory action is what is confusing Sophie.

But he took that as criticism and he thought I was attacking him.

And that ended the discussion.

Sophie rushed into her room stomping angrily.

I thought I should give her space, since we share the same room, I decided to go outside.

I went on a night walk.

Maybe I'll be able to see the cherry blossoms and have a hanami.

Most of the blossoms have fallen from all the heavy spring rain we were getting.

I remember my mum said that cherry blossoms suck up a lot of water so they are planted near the river often for flood control.

So I decided to walk towards the river. 

None in sight.

I walked back up to the main road and there I saw!

I couldn't tell if it was ume or cherry blossoms but either way, they were pretty.

Yeah, my camera quality is really bad.

It's getting old.

I kept walking and I've wandered into this beautiful park.

Full of nature on this long steep hill.

According to some of the informational signs I saw,

This place is designed to cater to the movement of the animals and creatures that live around here.

They first start down by the river and slowly make their way up.

Once I walked all the way up the staircases,

My oh my to my surprise.

There were big cherry blossom trees in this beautiful open space.

My camera quality was so bad so I couldn't capture their beauty.

But they were so beautiful.

And no one was there! That was the great part.

Well, probably because it was like midnight.

There was also this playground railing thing but apparently, you use it to train your arms.

So I fooled around on that for a bit and went back down the stairs.

Once I got back down, there was a nice picnic table so I sat down to rest.

I started watching funny youtube videos of Esfand and Jinny on my phone.

But suddenly, two police officers came up from behind.

They thought I was a child rebelling against the curfew.

They asked for my age and I said I was twenty but they didn't seem to believe me.

They asked me for my ID but to my demise, I didn't have it on me that day.

They asked me to open my bag to check for I don't know what.

I started to panic.

One of the officers asked me for my birthday and if I knew my zodiac sign.

I panicked and yelled out Virgo! But that's not what they wanted.

They wanted my Chinese zodiac so I yelled out ryu which means dragon.

And I forgot they don't call it that, so I yelled tatsu! And finally, I got it right.

They started to believe me.

They asked for my address and one went to confirm it while the other stayed back with me.

He tried to make small talk with me, kind of trying to get to know me to break the silence.

He knew my last name was foreign so he asked me some questions about that.

He was really nice and chill and I could tell he was just trying to make me feel comfortable.

So professional I thought...

But then, again, it started happening.

My eyes started to tear up.

From what? I thought.

Maybe the pressure and anxiety? I don't know.

The other officer came back and told me I was clear and good to go.

I said my apologies and thanks and walked the opposite direction intentionally.

As soon as I walked away, tears streamed down my face one after the other.

I couldn't control it for some reason.

Again, I felt so confused and weak.

 

I'm so weak.

Why do I cry so easily?

It was scary walking back home after the officers described all the scary things that could happen to me. 

I took a different route home and I found more cherry blossom trees. 

So close to my home.

Pretty petals were falling down onto the sidewalks.

It was pretty.

What a chaotic day it was.