March 21st

 Another day of chaos.

I haven't been doing so well.

Especially with my work messing up my sleep schedule.

I wake up when it's night and fall asleep when it's daytime.

I've been just feeling like sh** every day.

I went on my computer to watch some anime but the internet was crappy.

We were getting another spring storm and I think that's the cause of it.

I decided to do some analog things like reading a book.

I didn't have any new ones so I picked up an old one I've already read.

But I realized I didn't have a bookmark for it so I decided to use one of my postcards.

As I was postcard hunting, I came across the collection of postcards from iris.

So I decided to sort them in order by date for fun.

By the time I was done, it was already dinner time.

After dinner, the wifi was still in the same condition, so I decided to envelop the letter I wrote to my thirty-year-old self.

I also turned off the lights and lit a candle for the mood.

Turned out pretty cute but I always mess up the top part of the sealing wax.

After a couple of minutes, my dad came into the living room and turned on the lights.

I was like nooo don't ruin the mooood.

He came to the table and suddenly brung up a topic from what seems long ago but now that I think about it, it was kind of recent.

One night at the dinner table, I don't know what we were talking about.

I think dad was talking about some racial issue and sympathized with it.

Then I told Sophie who was sitting right next to me about how much dad has changed.

Because back then he would chant to us, don't get married until age thirty and don't marry a black person.

So I was telling her about how much he has changed in a good way.

And we giggled about it together.

Apparently, dad didn't like that.

He told me to stop telling lies.

That what I did was very dangerous and hurtful to the minds of Charlie and Sophie.

He kept stressing that fact.

Especially because Sophie is very sensitive to that topic (an SJW), and is very fragile he said.

He says that I am painting a bad picture of him in their minds and brainwashing them.

He told me,

"I know your real father left you and you had a depressing childhood but you don't have to purposely spread that negativity."

The things he was saying just sounded so wild to me.

And then he said that he even asked Sawyer if he remembers dad telling us not to marry a black man and apparently he said,

"No, Rin fucks around and says weird bullshit stuff sometimes."

Now, I know my brother can be mean sometimes but he wouldn't say something like that knowing me.

Like it's believable if he just doesn't remember but the things he said after was unbelievable.

Dad then continues to tell me I said that,

"During the two and a half years, three hundred sixty something of the days we lived in Fishkill, he told us not to marry a black man."

Now, 

1) When did I ever say you've been telling us that every single day we lived in Fishkill.

2) Two and a half years is clearly not three hundred and sixty something days.

3) Why in the world would I be able to make up some random lie that you kept telling us not to marry a black man.

I started getting weirdly confused and hurt.

It seemed clear to me that he was the one lying and he wasn't okay in the head.

So once he finally stopped talking and gave me some space to respond, I calmly explained to him.

"I'm not lying. Back then when you would tell us not to marry a black man, little me was very confused because I knew what racism was. I asked you why? Why can't we marry a black man? And you told us that it's because during your early childhood, due to media and your father's influence, you thought black people were scary. And also, when I told Sophie about that, I didn't say it to criticize you. I said it to show how much you have changed in a good way."

After I was done explaining myself, dad says,

"So I see you continue to LIE to me. Anyway, please stop lying and putting Charlie and Sophie in danger like that. Stop purposely trying to spread negativity just because you had a bad childhood. Charlie and Sophie are really sensitive and especially Sophie is going through such a tough time."

And continued to keep repeating not to harm Sophie and Charlie. 

Sophie and Charlie, Sophie and Charlie, that's all he says.

It's always been like that.

What about Ema huh?

Tough time? SHE'S NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO'S ALWAYS GOING THROUGH A TOUGH TIME.

SHE'S JUST BEEN ALLOWED TO SHOW IT SINCE BIRTH.

OF COURSE YOU WOULD NOTICE HER GOING THROUGH A TOUGH TIME WHILE ME, EMA, AND SAWYER HAVE TO KEEP IT ALL IN AND CRY ALONE.

WE ONLY GET NEGATIVE TOXIC REACTIONS FROM SHOWING HOW WE REALLY FEEL AND CRYING OR GETTING MAD.

SEND US TO OUR ROOMS, CHASE US IN, YELL AT US, CALL US NAMES, BULLY US FOR IT.

WHY DO YOU THINK I HAD A BAD FCKING CHILDHOOD GODDAMMIT.

ALL YOU CARE ABOUT IS SOPHIE AND CHARLOTTE.

ALWAYS. IT'S ALWAYS BEEN LIKE THAT.

IF THEY CRY OR SCREAM OR GET ANGRY THEY ARE COMFORTED AND REWARDED WITH TREATS AND PHYSICAL AFFECTION. 

DO YOU KNOW HOW WE FELT JUST WATCHING THAT HAPPEN IN FRONT OF OUR EYES FOR MORE THAN A DECADE?! 

IT'S ALWAYS FOR THEM.

I couldn't trust him anymore.

Now that I think about it, whenever he complimented me or made me feel valued, it was because I was doing something good for Sophie or Charlotte.

All my life I've been used.

Used to do something good for them.

When they would often fly overseas, the first people he asks is Sophie or Charlotte if they want to go.

And then when he asks me, it's always the reason for babysitting them. 

To put me through all the dirty work.

Or when I try to understand Sophie's problems and help her somehow, he would compliment me. 

Those are the only times.

He treats my brother like shit and used to treat Ema like shit too.

Maybe whenever he shows some form of care to our family, he actually just means Sophie and Charlotte.

I don't think he actually sees us as his real children.

I don't think I'm needed here anymore. 

After he left the room, my eyes teared up again.

And suddenly, I couldn't hold it all in anymore.

I broke down.

I started balling uncontrollably. 

I wanted to leave.

I wanted to run away so I never have to see his face again.

I wanted to be disconnected. 

I don't want to be dependent on him financially anymore either.

I wanted to run away.

I wanna go home.

I packed my things and left that place.

I wrote a postcard to iris that day so I thought maybe I could just go on a night walk to drop it off at the post box.

Maybe that will help me cool down.

I walked and put the postcard in the post box.

I didn't want to go home. But it was already like 3 am.

I thought maybe if I walk along the main road where there are cars, something bad wouldn't happen to me.

I suddenly started feeling really scared.

What if someone tries to kidnap me.

What if one of the car stops and grabs me and throw me into the car.

I wore really baggy clothes and put my coat hood up so they couldn't tell I'm a girl.

But I guess with the cute charm on my bag, that disguise was useless.

I walked towards the station and sat on a bench inside it.

I wanted to go home but home doesn't feel like home.

I want a home.

What if the policeman catches me again. But I did bring my ID this time just in case.

My eyes were so red from all the crying, what if they think I'm on crack or something.

I gave into the fears and started heading back home.

There were benches in front of a bush of pretty flowers.

Cute.

I started remembering the time I played Don't Starve Together with Imants.

I kept dying from losing my sanity.

He told me if I pick flowers, It'll increase my sanity level, so I did.

Looking at flowers does make me feel a bit better.

The next day I woke up.

Quickly took a shower, changed, and headed out for work.

But I left really early and I was hungry.

I didn't want to eat the food at home because they were bought using his money.

I bought and ate some riceballs on a bench near the park.

After I ate I started walking towards my workplace.

I got there early so I decided to walk past it and stroll around.

I found this pretty cherry blossom tree.

So pretty.